I’m a Honky Tronk man. 🎸 🎶

Look, they aren’t doing anything, I should cut their funding…oh shit that wasn’t good. I guess I’ll spend a third of our taxes on this.

I want deviled eggs! And I might have to sell my soul

Listeriamania. One of my favorite Phoenix songs

I’m going to make a list of people that don’t like me.

1. Myself
2. Mechanics, because I learned “this one simple trick”

That’s enough for today.

My favorite is finding them in the bathroom at 2am with my foot

My watch says I got 3.5 hours of sleep and 5682 steps last night

Welp, my foot is asleep and the automatic lights are off. Time to get up.

Do you still have to say “snoodle snoodle”?

I hate eating the same thing every day, but it does work.

I analyzed the video and determined that two vehicles crashed. You can make them out in the distance.

Nuclear weapons? “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”

Maybe my wife will buy it for her boyfriend

I feel like that if one pardon commits a crime, it will be spun like illegal immigrants where one person’s actions defines the group.

Non-Trump votes feel very different now that he’s won.

My uncle was a professor at MIT

Of course they aren’t real. Just ask Joe.

We are days away from soldiers wearing paintball masks and dirt bike armor.

Are you wearing a chef’s hat? Who is on the menu?

Rafael needs to go!