Personal favorite is twat waffle
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is “They couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery”.
My personal variation, “couldn’t organise a pissup in a pissupery”.
Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel
But I’m a genius in France!
After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”
I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.
“Do you need a sign to wear?”
If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.
Also a bonus:
- don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!
(They had to say mister)
“Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?” - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.
I go with “Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?” But its really the same joke.
I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)
Me either, which really makes it even better… could be both.
Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.
It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.
I had a buddy who teed himself up for your mom jokes constantly. I swung and hit pretty much every time.
One evening he had enough and blew up. “God, you’re such a dick! You must be the biggest dick in the fucking world!”
“Well, I fit in your mom just fine, so I don’t see what the problem is.”
“Wow, you’re the worst part of both your parents”
Burn!
“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”
or
“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”
Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.
