Apparently, in the Lakota tradition, it’s pretty common for everybody to stay asleep in the funeral home on the night before the funeral.

It’s kind of like a mixer for the recently departed.

The dude has been doing cocaine for like the last 55 years.

He probably hasn’t had a sober day in longer than most of us have been alive, And eventually, whatever dark magics it is that sustains him will fade. And we will never think of or hear about this guy ever again.

I remember pulling out new towels from my high school gym and them being already dirty.

Then why the hell were they always so fucking dirty looking?

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True, even though I get it, the idea that we should abandon our humanity and become bloodthirsty savages with the slightest amount of justification is truly bizarre.

I get that we want to punish evil people and the easiest way to identify an evil person is when they harm children. Despite my wanting to be a better person, I do not feel bad when a father murders a pedophile that victimized their child.

But despite that, I feel like we should at try to do a little better.

Nope. Child sexual abuse doesn’t work that way.

Most child sexual abuse is done in a way that is pleasurable for the child, by people the child loves and cares about.

They by default will almost certainly not want their abuser to be punished, but this is the one thing that shouldnt be allowed.

Why?

Because most people who sexually abuse a child do not stop at one child. It’s not just about punishing the pedo for the act, it’s also about stopping them from pedoing again.

That’s why we have sex offender registries.

That is a good point.

I can’t imagine that the current confessional protections apply in that scenario.

Any priest who would hear a confession from a child who was sexually assaulted and then hides it should probably go to jail themselves.

I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I feel like, if somebody admits to molesting a child to a priest, then the priest should report that to the correct legal people to deal with that.

But on the other hand, as a person who has religious practices ingrained into my behavior, I can understand, it’s like I don’t imagine that the people that are evil pedophiles are the kind of people to go and brag about it with their pastor.

What the ideal scenario in this case would be is that the pedophile confesses to the priest and then turns themselves in.

The next best scenario would be that the pedophile confesses to the priest, and then at least does not ever commit pedophilia again.

I’m not expecting clemency for pedophiles. Don’t get me wrong.

But making it so that pedophiles can’t even confess their sins without immediately being hauled off to The nearest jail cell is not going to actually decrease the amount of pedophilia in the world. Instead, it’s going to convince pedophiles with religious leanings to accept that their souls are condemned to hell and some of them are gonna choose to go out with a bang.

You don’t have to be white to be racist.

That being said, OP did not identify their race, so they could have been white.

Fortunately, Ralph is functionally immortal as the rolling concept of Ralph gets re-instantiated every single time a new hand touches the beacon.

He may be afraid, but his fear will only end when the human race does, or when his concept has been completely removed from our memetic lexicon.

It’s more like conservation of karma. You get a thing you wanted at a price you weren’t prepared to pay.

Trying to follow those guidelines, I would guess the list would be something more like:

1: Nothing changes, the only difference is that if you would otherwise put on more body fat than you currently have, the excess fat gets turned to horrible uncontrollable diarrhea that hits with no warning, so now you have to be on a diet for the rest of your life or else you’ll shit yourself in public.

2: Has to spend the rest of your life eating more than you burn as any weight you lose would be permanently lost, which will eventually kill you unless something else kills you first. This is computed by your original weight, so even if you would be fine with 800 calories, you must consume your current maintenance calories every day for the rest of your life. (See: Steven King’s Thinner)

3: You are unable to purchase anything. Every transaction fails. If people do not feed you out of the kindness of their hearts, or failing that, you are unable to barter for goods and services, you will die of hunger and exposure to the elements.

4: You get 5cm taller. People start telling you how much they liked you the way you were and that they feel lesser about you now that you’re taller. The new people you meet often comment on how hot/sexy/great/beautiful you would be if only you were a little bit shorter.

5: You become super strong but your bones and tendons can’t keep up. Using your super strength is pussyfooting with permanent disability.

6: No, yours is right. “you can not feel anything but happiness - no pain, anger, sadness, nothing but joy” Banger. Spot on. No Notes.

7: Have many followers would be worse if it was just a cult of people who follow you everywhere you go. The only time you can be alone is in your own home, until they realize they can just break in.

8: Forget your ex lover but they forget you too. You eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each other

9: A lot of money but the people you love die. <- This was one of the original monkey’s paws, iirc.

I’d pick 459 if I could put the 5cm on my ding dong.

1 is much better all around, assuming that they mean you “instantly drop to an ideal body fat percentage” and not “all of the fat on your body disappears forever”

Yeah, “Don’t gain weight from eating” would mean that any dieting you do would be permanent. You lose 1 oz, that 1 oz is gone forever.

Super easy to lose weight that way, but also, potentially risky in that you could unintentionally diet away all of your body fat and not be able to replace it.

Even if you’re a consistent overeater, you’re going to have days where you can’t hit your target and lose more weight.

Sounds more like a curse than a blessing.

You’d be lucky to make it to your mid 60s unless you started out very overweight and didn’t try to crash diet your way to “normalcy”.

Dang. That’s crazy. I guess the good part is I can intentionally unclog the adenosine receptors in my brain so I wouldn’t have to sleep anymore, At least until I can fashion an iron lung for myself.

The ability to control all matter at the subatomic level.

If being stuck in place was not the side effect of this superpower, I would assume that you would be able to move because the force you can exert is greater than the force of static resistance that air has.

However, since the air can’t move, every step you take would create more and more of a vacuum behind you.

So you could pause time, walk six feet, and create a massive sonic boom that would shatter glass in a several meter radius and probably throw you to the ground and potentially rupture your eardrums or give you soft tissue damage.

You could defeat enemies by freezing time, punching them a couple of times, and then walking around them until all of the air around them for several feet was missing, and then retreat to as safe of an location as possible, and then unpause time.

If you got onto a bicycle and peddled several miles, you could cause widespread destruction.

Death counts as a cancellation, so that wouldn’t work.

Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.